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The Wounded World
Top Ten Iffy RPG Dinners

10. Minos Island Oysters

“No, it’s not seafood. But it is peeled, coated in flour, pepper and salt, and deep-fried!”
9. Froghemoth Legs, or cuisses de vargouille
Served with a dipping poison, one leg serves a party of 107.
8. Akhlut Surf and Turf
“It’s a one-ingredent fusion food! Also popular with chimera crisps, griffon au grautin, and manticore fries.
7. Wolf-In-Sheep’s-Clothing- Hasenpfeffer
“It provides both the hare meat and the veggies, all in one butchering.”
8. Owlbear Mole Poblano
“No not owl-bear-mole. Mole poblano. The sauce. It really brings out the, ah… the gamy flavor of the wild mammal-and-fowl meat.”
5. Mimic Meat.
“We convinced it to be a cake before we killed it. Carb free, but tastes like chocolate icing.”
4. Blink Corn Dogs.
“Watching people try to eat them really brings a laugh to the State Fair.”
3. Gelatinous Cube Steak.
“It’s self-tenderizing. And 100% umami. And acid.”
2. Flumph Carbonara
“What? It’s clearly a Flying Spaghetti Monster!”
1. Flailscargot
“We save a lot of prep time by using a single 12-foot, 5-headed snail weighing 3,000 pounds. It DOES take a lot of butter, though.”

(Dis)Honorable Mentions
Stench Cheddar.
From the milk of Stench Cows, of course.

Soft-Shell Chuul
Paralyze your tastebuds!

I mean, moon-beasts MIGHT give milk, right?
Perfect for soft-shell chuul.

Gorgimera Goulash
A sloppy stew with a mix of strong flavors. Which, it turns out, it anything made with gorgimera meat.

Peanut-Butter and Stunjelly
Oozing with flavor!

Black Blood Pudding
Only 12% more disgusting than regular blood pudding!
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Tags: funny
Merida’s Journal: Day 1844 -- Outside of the prison walls but still have a tracking device…
Last night our group stopped a cult following from raising a powerful demon. I’ve only heard of such things, but this was the first time seeing it in person. I must admit I was a little distracted by this and forgot to mention to the group that without a proper burial there could be consequences.

This morning the prisoner that we took, mysteriously died during the middle of the night. I made sure the group knew what to do and was impressed to find that Kalsang was able to perform the funeral rights extremely well.

We traveled on to the next town and are staying at Councilman Brack’s house tonight. He had a fascinating essence lamp outside of his house, so I assumed that he had other magical items. So while he was out having dinner Aja and I took a look around the house. I was amazed at how quickly she was able to unlock his office. If only she could remove this camp ring that fast. Upon looking around his office, Aja discovered a picture of his family that had passed away and seemed sadden by this. Perhaps it was a reminder of the family she left behind? To me the picture was a reminder of losing my father.

Then I spotted something really odd, a doll that looked exactly like his daughter in the picture. After closer inspection, I realized that this was his actual daughter (scar and all) in a smaller form. Maybe this was done by the Fae? I didn’t want to scare the other trainees with this information, so I decided it was best kept secret. If they go running back to camp I may never get my freedom.
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Merida’s Journal: Day 1843 in Prison (Training Camp)
Today marks day 1843 in this camp. However, today was different, I was allowed to leave the confines of the camp with a group of 4 other trainees on a mission. Though, I don’t think they really wanted to leave. As I had everything packed and ready to go within 5 minutes flat (including Flame). Then had to wait for what seemed like forever for them to get ready. In reality it was probably only an hour or so.

I still don’t understand why people like this place so much. Rhogar has been in the camp almost as long as me, but he seems to really enjoy it (especially the food). The other 3 trainees sent on the mission are somewhat newer, but all seem talented in their own ways. Why would they volunteer to be here?

I was excited that this could be my opportunity for freedom. Unfortunately, General Bellum stopped us at the gate and made us put on magical rings to ensure we return. Hopefully, I will be able to find a way to remove this ring without losing a finger in the process.
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Possibly forged letter from Com Truise to Councilman Brack
Most Esteemed Councilman Brack,

Good tidings to you, my dear Councilman. My name is Com Truise and I represent certain parties interested in the protection of Creation and its peoples. More specifically, my company is working with Imperial safety experts to bring key mines in The North into compliance with the new Realm Subterranean Structures Functional Safety Act (RSSFSA).

A team of experts in my employ is travelling to inspect the mining facility at Sumpter, and will likely stop at Whispborough to procure travel at your fine town. Please do everything in your power to expedite their safe travels. Guild representatives in Whispborough should have my financial information already. Please work with them to see to it that my team’s expenses are put on my bill, to be collected when I stop by Whispborough on my way to Sumpter in a few months’ time.

By way of more background: A joint commission of Imperial and independent engineers have found many of the mines and other underground structures, especially those in the far reaches of the Realm, to be in violation of existing codes, highly dangerous and in dire need of repair. Moreover, the old codes have recently been revised and key structures are undergoing inspection for RSSFSA compliance.

I’m sure I don’t need to emphasize how catastrophic it would be to the career of anyone impeding the progress of these important safety measures, or their representatives. If word were to get back to Imperial authorities, for example, that miners died at a non-conforming site as a consequence of safety agents being held up, legal and/or more serious action would likely be visited upon whomever detained said agents. That is to say nothing of the less important, but substantial, financial consequences.


Com Truise
Owner and CEO, C.T. & Associates
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Epic × 2!
Chronicles VII
AFTER a long but much needed rest and refitting the party spends time contacting alliances and mustering an alliance to take on the Khan of Zamboula. Through dream sorcery spun by Amoth Ulixes makes contact with Jasmina and sets up a plan to join them. They must first seek out the Shanki, or the Shanki will find them, to learn of Jasmina’s exact whereabouts.

THE party along with a shadow of jackals advances ahead of the main army to detour first at Dagoth Hill to recover supplies then advance toward Zamboula. A few days outside of Zamboula while camping the party is attacked in their sleep by several desert wraiths who manage to bypass the jackals warning perimeter. The wraiths rip into the party, draining their life essence and weaving chaos. The party rallies and draws arms and vanquishes the wraiths.

BEFORE the sand settles several hundred riders appear on the surrounding dunes, surrounding the camp. They seem to have a calming effect on the Jackals. The nomad leader, Sharham Honaka approaches and claims to have had vision that those in his presence are the Liberators prophosized to meet the growing threat of the desert livilhood. . He leads the party to his camp where they are honored guests. After an evening of rest the Sharham meets with the party and strikes an alliance with the party as well as informing them of the location of Jasmina and her forces – The Devils Bowl.

MUSTERING the available forces, consisting of a Mercenary Company, a collection of Trade Scouts, a group of Shanki, a slaughter of Drakes and a shadow of Jackals the alliance marches to The Devils Bowl. Fcing the alliance are Turanian regulars consisting of two soldier companies and two skirmisher companies. Shen’s scouts infiltrate the cliff tops in preparation for the main assault. The mercs lead by Ulixes advance on the Turanians, supported by Shanki. Aenoq and the drakes move on the right flank up the cliffs. The main forces exchange devastating crossbow fire but the Turanian archers prove ineffective against the drake horde. The drakes push the skirmishers back along the ridge top where they are trapped and cut down Shen’s scouts and Jasmina and her royal guards. The few survivors flee the battle. The Shanki take the brunt of the Turanian defensive fire and their ranks are decimated. The skirmish is long enough to allow the mercs to engage the Turanians. Amoth’s sorcery does wicked damage to their ranks. Gholan leads the Turanian loyalsts in a charge against the Turanians flanks down the canyon exit. They suffer minor casualties from a avalanche trap but succeed in engaging the Turanians. Outnumbered and outflanked the Turanians are quickly reduced in numbers and few survivors are able to flee the battle.

Alliance Building 4800 xp
Desert Wraiths 7800 xp
Shanki camp 4800 xp
Battle at Devils Bowl 6400 xp
Rescue Jasmina and Gholan 6400 xp

Session XP30200
Total XP227900
Individual XP 56,975
Session: Zamboula - Saturday, Oct 07 2017 from 1:30 AM to 6:30 AM
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